I Have an Eating Disorder

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Hello Everyone.
Today I want to talk about something.
I wanted to post it before but it took me a while.
I've had it for years and years on and off.
It's the hardest thing physically and mostly mentally.

I have an eating disorder.
I get tremendous anxiety from different reasons.
Traumas, fears, uncertainty, loneliness and so much more.
Eating disorder is not much about food.
Food is just a tool like any other substance abuse in eating disorder.
I eat so much, throw up and cry.
I get so sick,weak and depressed.
Then even so much more heavy guilt falls on my shoulder.
And it causes more anxiety to relapse over and over.
It's a battle everyday.
Sometimes I'm good, sometimes I'm really bad at it.

Taking pictures and blogging has been helping me a lot from distracting my mind from causing crazy anxiety that leads to binge eating.
And my lovely dog Happy too, of course. <3
Doing the things I love to do and making myself happy for my soul has been healing me so much in my heart.

It is so important to fix your eyes on the bright side, 

especially when there's a darkness in your life.

I'm kind of a person that who holds all the pains and trouble to herself not to burden anyone.
It's a horrible habit I need to get rid of but it's hard.
Before I knew about me being an "Empath", I thought everyone feels the same way as I do.
Like right now my legs been so sore and painful for no reason after my mom texted me that she's been having a leg pain and couldn't walk well and read the article about this young guy had a heart attack, my heart was in pain.

I've opened up couple of times to the closest people.
But they didn't know or understand.
They just told me, just stop eating and don't throw up.
I felt so ashamed and alone so I just closed myself and never talked about it again.

When nobody cares about you, 

you should care about yourself even more! :)

I don't blame them, because before I researched so much I didn't know anything either.
I thought it was just me I just wanted to eat so much for no reason.
It took me a long time to figure out what causes and triggers me to eat so much
and throw up.

I see it's kind of a miracle everyday I'm still alive for what I've been through.
And I'm still going through it.
It might seems like the tiniest improvements but I'm getting better everyday little by little.

Even when it seems like the darkest time of my life, I look back of all those impossible things that I've overcome and achieved, there is still hope and I can still dream a big dream.
A beautiful dream of being free. <3

The name of this blog is Happy Hazel.
Happy is my dog's name but it also means me being happy, happy Hazel.

I am not an eating disorder. My name is not bulimia.
I am happy. My name is Hazel. And this is Happy Hazel.

Don't ever let your disorder or whatever to define you or change your name!

Whatever you are going through, it's just a name of the street you are passing through!

You will get through it! <3 and I will too. :)

Go here to Get help Today :) 
National Eating Disorders Association 

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